I know I'm in for a rollercoaster ride. I know there's going to be a lot of ups and downs before I eventually start feeling normal again. At this point, I can't really say there are good days yet. There's good moments, but still mostly a lot of just feeling crappy, mixed with some dips lower.
Yesterday was a tougher day. I was focusing a lot on the 'what-ifs'. I was searching for a reason why this happened, if there was anything I could have done differently to prevent it. When I think about different scenarios that could have been, I momentarily forget that Brooklyn's gone, that there's nothing I can do to change it now. That's when my heart drops and I feel like I'm back at square one.
I was texting a friend yesterday and told her about how wonderful this community has been to us. She told me she's really glad that I ended up with Sterling and in this little town. I really am so grateful to be where I'm at in life. If I just had to go through this, I'm so glad that Sterling is the one I'm going through it with. And I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. The people in this town have been beyond amazing.
We've had countless meals and treats brought to us, our freezer is stocked. Cards and money have been flowing in. A woman who has been in our same situation knit Brooklyn a sweet little white dress to be buried in at the drop of a hat. So many people have shown their love and support, I can't even believe it. I went to pay for everything from Brooklyn's funeral yesterday. The funeral home isn't charging us a thing, and our three plots at the cemetery, the digging and burial fees, and the tent rental have all been paid for by wonderful people. Everyone has been taking such good care of us, and I know these kinds of things don't happen just anywhere. We are so so blessed to have such great people surrounding us.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Facebook babies.
Facebook is just about unbearable to look at lately. Everyone is pregnant. And I was supposed to be pregnant with them.
Today I found out two more girls who I went to high school with are pregnant. And by random boyfriends, to boot. I know I shouldn't judge, but it just feels so unfair that all these girls get these accidental babies when I can't have mine--a baby who is so so loved and wanted, in a stable household.
Instead, I have to grieve and worry about if I can ever have more babies. Babies that are so very wanted. I know this is just how the world works, but it's so hard. I know there's a greater plan, but I just don't understand it.
Today I found out two more girls who I went to high school with are pregnant. And by random boyfriends, to boot. I know I shouldn't judge, but it just feels so unfair that all these girls get these accidental babies when I can't have mine--a baby who is so so loved and wanted, in a stable household.
Instead, I have to grieve and worry about if I can ever have more babies. Babies that are so very wanted. I know this is just how the world works, but it's so hard. I know there's a greater plan, but I just don't understand it.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Back to real life
Today is my first (partial) day back in my usual schedule. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of tears and anger and pain and just about everything bad. We spent a week in California, then my mom, aunt, and sister were here last week. They went home yesterday, and Sterling went back to work today (after taking me to my doctors appointment this morning) so now it's just me and Brynleigh, like it used to be. It's a little lonely since I've been surrounded by people the last two weeks. But I know it'll be good to get back to regular life.
It's a strange place I'm in now. I still feel like I should be pregnant. When I think of the months to come, I have to remind myself plans have changed. I have to return my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding next month, since it'll be too big now. My best friend is getting married in June, and there's no longer the question of whether I'll be in the hospital giving birth or if I'll be driving a toddler and brand new baby to California for it.
When Brynleigh pulls up my shirt to rub my belly, it's not a cute thing anymore, it makes me cry. That flutter I felt in my stomach is my lunch being digested, not baby feet kicking me. All the emails for Zulily maternity sales aren't needed. I should be planning a new workout schedule to be starting in a month from now, not worrying about getting the girl's bedroom painted before my due date.
And the toughest realization of all? A mile or two down the road, in that cemetery I've driven by hundreds of times, there's a tiny little grave, covered by flowers I bought, and a sweet little body that lived inside of me for six months.
It's a strange place I'm in now. I still feel like I should be pregnant. When I think of the months to come, I have to remind myself plans have changed. I have to return my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding next month, since it'll be too big now. My best friend is getting married in June, and there's no longer the question of whether I'll be in the hospital giving birth or if I'll be driving a toddler and brand new baby to California for it.
When Brynleigh pulls up my shirt to rub my belly, it's not a cute thing anymore, it makes me cry. That flutter I felt in my stomach is my lunch being digested, not baby feet kicking me. All the emails for Zulily maternity sales aren't needed. I should be planning a new workout schedule to be starting in a month from now, not worrying about getting the girl's bedroom painted before my due date.
And the toughest realization of all? A mile or two down the road, in that cemetery I've driven by hundreds of times, there's a tiny little grave, covered by flowers I bought, and a sweet little body that lived inside of me for six months.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Meeting Baby Girl
When I woke up, Sterling told me what I already knew but never, ever wanted to hear. Our baby didn't make it. I was just over 24 weeks along. She was 1 lb 5 ounces. She was born alive, but was just too tiny to make it. They tried to resuscitate her for 45 minutes, but it didn't work, she was just too small.
Sterling brought her to me. I held her the rest of the day. She was so tiny and perfect. She looked so much like newborn Brynleigh. They had the same little nose and lips. Brooklyn had the same little triangle nostrils Brynleigh has. She was so, so precious.
I never wanted to let her go. I know her sweet little spirit wasn't there anymore, but I just wanted to get to know her the best I could. I wanted to memorize her little face. I wanted to get in enough kisses to last me a lifetime. She lived inside me for six months, I knew her like nobody else did. I wanted to connect this beautiful little body to all the movements, all the kicks and flutters I'd felt inside. Despite holding her all day, it wasn't enough. I could never snuggle her enough.
A nurse came in and got her little footprints and handprints for me. She took pictures of Brooklyn, too. They're supposed to come in the mail within a couple of weeks. I'm terrified they'll never make it for some reason or another. I want to see her sweet face and tiny feet again so bad.
Staying in the hospital, healing from a csection in the labor and delivery unit when you don't have your baby with you is the most haunting experience. The nurses were all incredibly nice, but being there was awful. A girl I grew up with delivered her baby while we were there. Seeing her family and baby-daddy walk in with flowers and balloons while I walked out with nothing but papers that said things like "What to do when there's milk but no baby" broke my heart for probably the hundredth time over the previous week.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Brooklyn's Birth
On Monday, February 10th, Sterling, Brynleigh and I flew to California. My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in October, and he was rapidly declining over the previous few days. On Sunday, we found out he only had a couple of days left, at the most, so we booked a flight for early Monday morning. We were in Sacramento at the airport when he passed.
Friday morning, the 14th, I woke up around 3:30am to Brynleigh crying so I brought her into bed with us. I was having an achy lower back and hips, but that's nothing unusual. I dozed off a little here and there, but was mostly awake til morning. Around 6:30 or 7, my pains got a little worse. Sterling and Brynnie were awake so I told him about how I was feeling. I still wasn't very concerned. I just kept switching positions and going to the bathroom, hoping to feel better. Eventually, I checked my cervix and felt something very strange....I'm still not sure what it was, but I knew something was off.
I woke my mom up, as my pains were getting worse and coming and going, and I wanted her opinion. She was very worried and immediately called my cousin, who is an RN at the local hospital. My cousin told me to go to the ER to be checked out, so I threw on some clothes and my mom drove Sterling and I to the hospital.
At this point, I still wasn't convinced I was having contractions. Honestly, I thought they were gas pains. When I was in labor with Brynleigh, I had a hyperstimulated uterus, so I never actually felt a real contraction, I just had constant, intense pains. About halfway to the hospital, I realized I was in labor. I was having really intense, immobilizing pains that came every minute or two. I yelled at my mom for trying to ask me questions while I was in the middle of one of the pains, and that was when I realized these were contractions.
The hospital is close to 30 minutes from my parent's house, so it was a hellish ride. I didn't know if I was going to make it there, and I was terrified. Finally, we pulled up to the ER doors. They admitted me immediately. I tried changing into a gown when I realized I was bleeding a lot. They took me into a room and started asking all these questions, hooking me up to monitors and sticking me with IVs.
I was in the worst, most unbelievable pain. I was screaming and begging the nurses to get me something for the pain. Different people kept coming in and asking if this was my first pregnancy. That was the most frustrating thing--I went through about 17 or so hours of unmedicated labor with a hyperstimulated uterus with Brynleigh....I know labor hurts. This time was so much different and worse, and I probably sounded like some addict pleading for a fix, but I felt like nobody was paying attention to my pain.
Finally, the on-call OB came in. He checked me and said I was complete--this baby was coming right now. They took me to the OR and prepped me for an emergency c-section and put me under. As they were prepping me, my water broke during a contraction.
Friday morning, the 14th, I woke up around 3:30am to Brynleigh crying so I brought her into bed with us. I was having an achy lower back and hips, but that's nothing unusual. I dozed off a little here and there, but was mostly awake til morning. Around 6:30 or 7, my pains got a little worse. Sterling and Brynnie were awake so I told him about how I was feeling. I still wasn't very concerned. I just kept switching positions and going to the bathroom, hoping to feel better. Eventually, I checked my cervix and felt something very strange....I'm still not sure what it was, but I knew something was off.
I woke my mom up, as my pains were getting worse and coming and going, and I wanted her opinion. She was very worried and immediately called my cousin, who is an RN at the local hospital. My cousin told me to go to the ER to be checked out, so I threw on some clothes and my mom drove Sterling and I to the hospital.
At this point, I still wasn't convinced I was having contractions. Honestly, I thought they were gas pains. When I was in labor with Brynleigh, I had a hyperstimulated uterus, so I never actually felt a real contraction, I just had constant, intense pains. About halfway to the hospital, I realized I was in labor. I was having really intense, immobilizing pains that came every minute or two. I yelled at my mom for trying to ask me questions while I was in the middle of one of the pains, and that was when I realized these were contractions.
The hospital is close to 30 minutes from my parent's house, so it was a hellish ride. I didn't know if I was going to make it there, and I was terrified. Finally, we pulled up to the ER doors. They admitted me immediately. I tried changing into a gown when I realized I was bleeding a lot. They took me into a room and started asking all these questions, hooking me up to monitors and sticking me with IVs.
I was in the worst, most unbelievable pain. I was screaming and begging the nurses to get me something for the pain. Different people kept coming in and asking if this was my first pregnancy. That was the most frustrating thing--I went through about 17 or so hours of unmedicated labor with a hyperstimulated uterus with Brynleigh....I know labor hurts. This time was so much different and worse, and I probably sounded like some addict pleading for a fix, but I felt like nobody was paying attention to my pain.
Finally, the on-call OB came in. He checked me and said I was complete--this baby was coming right now. They took me to the OR and prepped me for an emergency c-section and put me under. As they were prepping me, my water broke during a contraction.
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