Meeting Baby Girl

When I woke up, Sterling told me what I already knew but never, ever wanted to hear. Our baby didn't make it. I was just over 24 weeks along. She was 1 lb 5 ounces. She was born alive, but was just too tiny to make it. They tried to resuscitate her for 45 minutes, but it didn't work, she was just too small.

Sterling brought her to me. I held her the rest of the day. She was so tiny and perfect. She looked so much like newborn Brynleigh. They had the same little nose and lips. Brooklyn had the same little triangle nostrils Brynleigh has. She was so, so precious.

I never wanted to let her go. I know her sweet little spirit wasn't there anymore, but I just wanted to get to know her the best I could. I wanted to memorize her little face. I wanted to get in enough kisses to last me a lifetime. She lived inside me for six months, I knew her like nobody else did. I wanted to connect this beautiful little body to all the movements, all the kicks and flutters I'd felt inside. Despite holding her all day, it wasn't enough. I could never snuggle her enough.

A nurse came in and got her little footprints and handprints for me. She took pictures of Brooklyn, too. They're supposed to come in the mail within a couple of weeks. I'm terrified they'll never make it for some reason or another. I want to see her sweet face and tiny feet again so bad.


Staying in the hospital, healing from a csection in the labor and delivery unit when you don't have your baby with you is the most haunting experience. The nurses were all incredibly nice, but being there was awful. A girl I grew up with delivered her baby while we were there. Seeing her family and baby-daddy walk in with flowers and balloons while I walked out with nothing but papers that said things like "What to do when there's milk but no baby" broke my heart for probably the hundredth time over the previous week.