Dear Brooklyn.

Dear Brooklyn,

Today marks one whole month since we lost you. I'm still not used to you not living in my belly. I'm still having a hard time believing that this is something we really went through. 

I hope you know how incredibly much I love you. I hope you can feel it and I hope you never forget it. I feel like I failed you in so many ways. I wasn't able to protect you like a mommy should. I hope you know that I would have done so much different if I had known. Even just to try to change things.

Sometimes I worry that Heavenly Father took you from me because he didn't think I could handle you being different. That scares me. But I do know one thing--I'd love you all the same regardless. I hope you know that.

I'm slowly starting to accept that I may never have all the exact answers that I want. I've realized that answers won't bring you back. I'd still like to know why all this happened, but I'm beginning to be okay with not knowing everything. I know that constant searching doesn't help anything.

Daddy and I had a nice lady we know confide in us about how she lost her baby when she was 6 months pregnant, too. That was 40 years ago, and she told us how in those days, they did things a lot differently in the hospital. She never got to see her baby, she never got to hold her baby, she never got to bury her baby. She never got to say goodbye. She told us she was thankful to be able to come to your funeral and go through this with us, she said she felt like she got some closure of her own. 

I'm so grateful that I got some time with you, even if it was after your little spirit was already gone. I'm grateful for those kisses I got to plant all over your sweet little face. I'm thankful I have pictures to always remember you by. I'm thankful for that little grave a mile down the road that I can visit and decorate for every holiday (yes, I'm going to be one of those moms. Easter is coming soon baby girl!). As heartbreakingly hard as it was to say goodbye to you, I'm glad I had the opportunity to.

I know you've found Papa up there. I hope you two are spending plenty of time playing Airplane and Horsey, and I'm sure he's introducing you to all his favorite weird things, like Vienna Sausages and Matlock. Make sure you give him plenty of snuggles for all of us here and let him know how much he really was loved, too. 

I'd like you think you're going to be up there helping our Heavenly Father handpick your future siblings. Make sure he sends us lots of them, I've got quite a bit of love to share. I know you do, too. Won't it be fun to have a big family with plenty of brothers and sisters to play with and teach when we're all reunited one day? I know you're such a smart girl, Brookie. I can't even begin to imagine all that you know now. I'm glad we have such a special little angel watching over us. 

I don't think a day will ever go by where I won't miss you. Nobody can understand how badly I want you in my arms. But I know it will happen. Last Sunday in church, I shared my testimony (I hope you're proud of me, I've always been too scared to before...plus, I sound like a man when I'm choking back tears). I said that I had no idea how people go through these kinds of things without the gospel. I really don't understand. How badly must it hurt not knowing what happens after we die, if we'll ever see each other again? I said that I believe God brought the church to me because he knew what was laid ahead of me and he knew that I'd need it. I really do need it. I'm so glad I have those answers, at least. I'm glad I know where you are and what you're doing. I'm glad that I know I'll see you again and that I'll get the opportunity to raise you and be with you forever.

I love you so so much Brooklyn, and I miss you more than anything. I hope I can make you proud, and I hope that I can be as good of a mommy as you deserve. Please watch over us down here. Things are still hard and I know they will be for a long time. Please, please know that I'll love you, always & forever, no matter what. You're my perfect girl and you always will be. 

Love,

Mommy