normalcy.

Friday marked two weeks since our sweet girl passed in and out of our lives. In some ways it feels like it's been forever, and in others it seems like we just booked our last-minute flights to California yesterday.

It was my first day of being able to drive again since I had a csection. Brynleigh and I went to the cemetery and visited baby sister. What do people normally do when they visit a grave? I just want to talk to Brooklyn and tell her everything I never got a chance to say. I know I could do that at home in my bed and she'd hear me all the same, but it just doesn't feel the same.

Life is slowly getting more normal-ish. Sterling and I went to the temple Saturday morning, then out on a double date with his sister that night. It was a good day, it really was. Every day has more normalcy in it, like grocery shopping and paying bills. We're going to Nashville in a little over two weeks for my sister's wedding, so I need to do some things in preparation for that still. The sympathy cards have slowed and I can browse Facebook (still quickly skipping over anyone's posts about pregnancy or newborns) without being angry that all these people's lives are going on as they always have or they're complaining about such 'hard' things in life like having the flu or having to work on a Saturday. My tears tends to come at small, random spurts throughout the day instead of sobfests before bed every night.

I'm completely aware that my emotions are going to be all over the place for awhile, but it still catches me off guard sometimes, even if I think I'm prepared for it. Driving by Portneuf Medical Center makes me sad because that's where she should have been born, healthy. Driving by EIRMC in Idaho Falls makes me sad because that's where I met my sweet Brynleigh and I want so badly to experience all that again. I feel guilty if I think I've had too good of a day because I don't want Brooklyn to think it only took me two weeks to grieve.

I don't want to be done grieving and I know it takes a long time, I just wish I could feel somewhat like a normal, fully-functioning person again. I wish I could have a little clarity about all this.